Dance Team Patrick

Oh boy... I've been wanting to write about these ****ers for a long time now. Everyone has heard of Electronic Arts, the gaming super corporation that is attempting to underhandedly monopolize the next-generation gaming industry while making loads of money in the process and spamming the crap out of your television with hyped-up commercials; oh, and clogging your YouTube vids with annoying-ass advertisements.

But there's more to gripe about than their overwhelming presence. Indeed, they're not just the fat guy stepping on your toes in the movie theater while trying to push their way to a handicap seat, they're also the money-grubbing rip-off artist that sells you cheap renditions of your favorite products.

EA was awarded the Worst Company of the Year title two ****ing years in a row by the Consumerist for a number of reasons. I'd like to point out a few of those reasons in today's article. And why am I just now getting around to writing this? Because I was trying to play BF4 in the other room just a minute ago on my sleek new PS4, and I got the following the message:

Remember the good ol' days before EA took over the Command & Conquer franchise? When a smaller company called Westwood Studios owned the title? When the game was actually good and revolutionary to the RTS genre? Yeah, those were the golden days, and if those questions above didn't summarize what pretty much happened, then... you're an idiot.

EA's release of C&C 3 was met with an open-minded community of C&C gamers. For the most part, the first purely-EA title of the series was actually re-playable and worth the $50, as well as the Kane's Wrath expansion pack. So it was no surprise that everyone was excited to learn they were continuing the series with Command & Conquer 4... until we all witnessed the behind-the-scenes teaser videos the company released.

HOW THE HELL DO YOU GET RID OF BASE BUILDING AND STILL HAVE THE AUDACITY TO CALL IT COMMAND & CONQUER?!

Westwood had to have been rolling in their proverbial grave. Let's not forget that Bullfrong Entertainment and Pandemic Studios are buried right next to them. Those are two other past-times that the super giant has eaten and crapped out into what they have dared to call "games".

I shouldn't have to say much about this piece of ****. ISPs are constantly working backwards in this day and age, and quite frankly... we just don't have the internet power in the States right now to truly enjoy downloadable games to idea's full potential.

Oh, and anything with "Powered by EA" on it is just meant to steal your cash and **** you in the ass. As much as I dislike it, Steam is actually better than Origin, and they won't ban you from playing games that you have legally purchased just because you've been banned from community forums with their logo. Yes, Origin actually did that, though they came out later and said that banned users could now play their games in offline mode. Ooooh, that just tickles me.

No Flying ****s Given

“Are we really the “Worst Company in America?” Moore asks. “I’ll be the first to admit that we’ve made plenty of mistakes. These include server shut downs too early, games that didn’t meet expectations, missteps on new pricing models and most recently, severely fumbling the launch of SimCity. We owe gamers better performance than this.”

No, good sir, you owe gamers your immediate resignation. All of the above voices it loud and clear: you just flat-out suck.

And what have you done since then to redeem yourself, EA?

About Those Servers...

Did you notice that Moore mentioned something about shutting down servers too early? Yeah, that particular out-cry came about when they decided to rehash the servers hosting EA Sports' MMA before the end of the promised two years that they would be up. You see, every two years, the company shuts down and re-appropriates servers for old games in order to reduce overhead costs.

This is exactly why Battlefield 3 suddenly started offering users the ability to rent their own servers to host games. Yeah that's right, you either had to pay to play, or play at someone else's own personal expense. Not long after they allowed servers to be rented for quick cash, the official EA and Dice servers suddenly disappeared from shutdown or were hidden from the public.

Final Verdict

EA... Me, myself and I find you guilty of being the laughing stock of the video game industry. In the almighty words of "Notch", creator of Minecraft:

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Okay, so Dan got the new Xbox One on launch night and, with it, two games to put the next-gen console through its paces. The first game, which he got before launch night, was BF4. We've already played through most of the game with the 360, so he really just got it to witness the upgraded graphics and responsiveness. It's beautiful, to say the least, but when compared to the second game he got, Ryse... whoa.

Ryse: Son of Rome is the One's first "hack-n-slash" game that definitely takes full advantage of the console's power by dazzling the player with breathtaking level design, realistically brutal combat sequences at 60 fps, and stunning detail right down to the dirt and grime on the characters' faces.

One of the One's brilliant features is the Upload recording app and constant DVR. We wanted to test this out, so after a minute of cutting off arms and humorously driving pilums into bad guys' faces, we told the Kinect to "record that" and *bloop* it was done. Awesome. Now, the video above is obviously edited with a few funny sound effects and some homage to Mortal Kombat, so don't think that Ryse suddenly took a page from Metal Gear Solid and the fat bastards squeal.

Anyway, after tinkering with the One's DVR and editing the clip, we continued with the game's campaign. The story revolves around a Roman soldier named Marius Titus, who becomes a centurion in the beginning of the game and assists Commander Vitallion in leading the 14th legion to Britannia. Now, the story leaves out a bit of would-be-helpful information, such as major characters and even the dang time period. After putting the pieces together, I can deduce the time is somewhere in between 50 and 60 AD, since Nero is emperor and the empire only has a foothold in Britannia, rather than total dominance up to where Hadrian's Wall would be. That aside, there's still a lot we don't know and it leaves for some confusion for the player when the story ends. For instance, who were the god and goddess that kept intervening in the story, and where was Russell Crowe when we were in Rome's famous coliseum (joke)?

All in all though, the game was spectacular and a thrill to play. Unlike most hack-n-slash games, the player needs to keep strategy in mind and have perfect timing in some cases. You can't block unless you know what you're doing, and you can't dodge unless you're for sure you can't block. The enemies are smart, but you can outwit them by using your environment - such as impaling the bastards into a wall of spikes. Did I mention the executions? Hell, those made the game. When an enemy is weak enough, you can start an execution sequence. Just play a bit of Simon says and before you realize what's happening, your victim is losing arms, legs, and is being impaled through the back of his throat with your blade. Shoot you can sometimes even suplex the guy with your sword. Some of the moves had be jumping out of my seat like a football fan seeing his team score a touchdown.

If you have or are getting the One, I definitely recommend buying Ryse. I haven't even touched the multiplayer or co-op modes yet but... oh yeah, this is a hack-n-slash where more than one can play. Enough said.

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Okay, I knew when walking out of Hastings the other day after purchasing the game that this new title wasn't going to be much different than it's predecessors. The Call of Duty franchise has really fallen into a slump, and I think they've been digging a deeper hole for themselves since Modern Warfare 2. Regardless of that, however, I'd still like to offer my own review for the game on DTP, so here goes nothing...

The one and only thing that the franchise seems to get right every time is the story itself. Sometimes I wish had a bowl of popcorn, in fact; and I thought that the Black Ops 2 story was going to be hard to beat. In the new subtitle, though, the writers push you back on the edge of your seat for another wild, over-the-top ride with higher stakes, even more ruthless enemies, and an unexpected new world power: "the Federation".

Who would ever expect South America to ban together and bring the U.S. to its knees? The set-up in the beginning of the game was brief, and it didn't exactly explain everything, but still, it's a nice change of pace. I don't think I would have tolerated it if the baddies were going to be Russia, China, or an Arabian terrorist faction again.

The single-player campaign also introduced a few cool new aspects that the CoD franchise isn't known for, like sneaking around as Riley the dog, for instance, or piloting an attack helicopter. There's also some (very Battlefield 3-like) tank driving near the end of the campaign. So it's a little more than just run-and-gun all the time... Now it's run-and-gun, then hop in a tank, then fly a chopper, then rip a dude's throat apart with dog teeth... and then rinse and repeat.

And just when I thought the franchise had redeemed itself with the overhaul of the perk and attachment systems... it failed miserably. Once again, the multiplayer portion of the game just proves that anyone can play the game, and I hate that crap. No teamwork, no effort, no planning, no skill- or level-matching. You might as well throw confetti inside of a blender.

One of the things that really annoys me in the MP is the spawning. In previous titles, you could spawn safely away from enemy players (or as safely away as possible given real-time player dispersion on the map). In Ghosts? Nah, fuck that shit, you can join the game right inside of a camper's cross hairs. When you're killed by the same guy in a six second period in the same immediate vicinity because you got spawn-fucked, then the entire multiplayer portion has failed. Randomized spawning has truly become randomized, and that only serves to bite you and your teammates in the ass.

One thing Infinity Ward did get right though... Squads. While the exact line between a Clan and Squad is still pretty fuzzy to me, the Squads mode is basically an overhauled version of private matching with bots. You can work as a team with other human players against incredibly skilled bots, or mix it up with some bot-and-human on bot-and-human action. In Black Ops 2, the bots were only difficult on Veteran, but in Ghosts, Regular bots can actually give you a run for your money. So if you don't want to deal with 14 year olds just hitting their stride in puberty and yelling the n-word and "faggot" over a mic, I would recommend playing with or against someone in Squads, where the concepts of decency and sportsmanship can find sanctuary.

If you're wanting some fast-paced action to enjoy with friends, and don't mind the same-old shit that's become one of the most popular and best selling video game titles of all-time, then by all means, buy Ghosts. If you're a die-hard fan, get it now; but if you're a recreational gamer that can wait, then I would recommend holding off until a price drop or getting it used. As far as my recommendation goes for next-gen consoles, your CoD account can now be transferred and used on the upgraded hardware platforms, so don't worry about buying it now and regretting it later.